In the last couple days, I feel like that progress I was making regressed. I feel like a different person again. Ugh! I wasn't anticipating this. I had been coping pretty well until just recently. Today, I woke up feeling like overnight I slipped into a deep depression. I can't do this with the mind-set I have currently. In fact, I simply cannot function at all.
My PICC line has been just driving me nuts! I couldn't sleep well last night since my skin around it was itching so bad. It still is. I'm afraid one night that I'll be itching it in my sleep and tear through the sterile dressing and compromise the line, or start to yank it out. God, I hope that does not happen. It's been 14 1/2 weeks now that I've had that line and the IV antibiotics. I better start getting a handle on this better because I've got a long, long way to go. Things will probably not get any easier either. At least, I know they are helping. I just wish this process could be a lot faster. It's hard for anyone not familiar with treating someone that has had Lyme for many years to really grasp the process. It's more intense and lengthy than the treatment for any other disease I can think of.
I'm also not liking the cold weather. I stay at my mom's house, and it's a lot chillier here than I prefer. I do not pay the utilities here, so I can't really complain. However, today I feel like I should be allowed to. Maybe I just need a moment to feel sorry for myself. A moment. Then I can maybe move on with a better attitude. I'm so glad this blog provides a safe place for me to talk about my feelings and I can just get whatever may be bothering me out, so I can spare my loved ones. I do not want to be any more than a burden on my family than I already have been. It's been hard on all of us.
I've been feeling very anti-social lately, too. It's been well over a week since I even did a Facebook post. I just haven't even known what to say. I feel like I can't relate to anyone and I don't how to even start. I don't feel like anyone can relate to me either. No one really understands, and most people are way too wrapped up in their own lives to care.
I'm starting to feel really overwhelmed thinking about our family's plans for Christmas and New Year's. I love my family so much and love when we all all together! We always have such a good time, no matter what we're doing. I just wish my situation was different. I just can't do all the things I used to do right now. I'm sort of restricted now. For instance, I get very tired easily. The most basic aspects of daily life exhaust me. Also, I go through phases where I have a difficult time talking. This is extremely frustrating for me since usually, I've always been such a out-going, talkative person. Also, it's just hard to travel with all the medicines and supplements I have to take, all at specific times throughout the day. I have diet restrictions too. For instance, I'm not supposed to have even a glass of wine. This will be hard for me during the holidays. I haven't been a big drinker or anything, but it's customary for us all to have a drink or two when we're together. It's like the only time I ever drink. I hate feeling deprived. I will just need to think about how much more sick it could make me, or how my liver just cannot handle it.
I sort of have a routine here and it stresses me out to have to change it right now. I have a set up in the bathtub so I can bathe, but I still need help washing my hair. It's still a lot of work. Because I can't get my right upper arm wet (where my PICC line is), and it is extremely difficult not to, even with the silly plastic gloves they give me- this creates quite an ordeal. So, figuring how to bathe while traveling and visiting relatives is my next problem. Like I said, even the most basic aspects of one's daily life are not so basic for me. Everything is so much harder.
Right now, I just want to stay in my comfy, cotton clothing. I do not want to dress up. I want to stay in my fleece and slippers. I do not feel like putting any make-up on or styling my hair. I don't want to have to look into a mirror either. No way do I want to be in any pictures! I would prefer not to have a permanent record for how awful I look, since I'll always remember how this feels.
My doctor recently informed me about why I MUST avoid gluten. Apparently, gluten is not only a neuro-toxin for Lyme patients, but also it interferes with certain neurotransmitters. So, if I want to feel emotionally well and not feel depressed or apathetic, I have to completely avoid gluten. Do you understand how difficult that is? Gluten is everywhere! It's not just in breads or cereals, it's hidden in many inconspicuous places, under tons of different ingredients.
Sugar is really bad, too. That's a problem. I love sugar! It's also going to be everywhere! Deprivation. That's what I'm foreseeing right now. If I can get over that feeling, then I'll be able to see all the wonderful other things that I'll be able to enjoy. It's easy for the clouds of negativity to envelop the positivity, but once that positivity starts to break through, it takes over. Positivity is very contagious, thankfully.
Okay, I think I'm done for now. I feel a little better, I think.
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