Frustration

It's frustrating to have any sort of insomnia. Especially when the insomnia is related to Lyme disease, since the type of insomnia characterized consists of not only the inability to sleep when tired, but the inability to find a comfortable enough position to sleep in. When just having your pajamas and sheets touching your skin irritates the hell out of you, that's kind of a problem. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes since I feel like things are crawling under my skin. My nerves and nervous system has been going crazy! Going through the kinds of symptoms that I have endured will most definitely push anyone to their limits! I guess it's a good thing that my symptoms are always coming and going. At least I get breaks from some of the worst ones.

Lately, I've been having such a hard time focusing, concentrating on anything. Even on things I really enjoy. This is extremely disconcerting for me. When you can't seem to do anything, favorite things included, what do you have in life? Just more time to realize the unfortunate situation I'm in, that's all. Mind over matter, it's a daily struggle.

I'm just trying to finish this book I borrowed. I love it! I've really enjoyed it, but it's just taking me forever to finish it. I've just had a very difficult time reading during the last 2-3 weeks. The way my symptoms cycle, I should start to regain my reading ability very soon. Reading is one of my passions. I used to mainly prefer non-fiction, but during this last year I've discovered how great it is to get lost in a great story. Fiction has proved to be a better distraction for me during this point of my life. Since my ability to learn new information has been severely affected, I get extremely discouraged when I can't remember information I used to know. Humbling.

Why do I always have to be so tired? A lot of the time, I'm just to weak or weary to do anything I want to do. Even holding a book can be challenging. Holding my head up. Typing. Anything. You name it, a lot of the time I just can't get the strength to do it. Sometimes I just wish I could fall asleep till I was well again. Or just fall asleep and never wake up in this body again. I feel a lot that this body of mine has failed me miserably. I feel cheated. Cheated out of living. I've been merely existing for quite a while now and I'm sick of it! Maybe this is why I'm still fighting. I suppose, I could have given up long ago. But I haven't. I don't know why sometime, to be completely honest. There's got to be something so fabulous coming in my future that I've made sure I'd be there for it. That's possible, I guess. I can hope at least.