...continued

Sometimes I feel detrimental to my own health. Self-sabotage. What the hell is up with that? Why do I feel such a strong urge to do things that are bad for me? Now, I feel that, more than any other time in my life! Like, out of no where, I feel the most intense urges to eat foods that I shouldn't, stay up too late, push myself too hard, drink when I shouldn't be drinking at all, etc... What is up with that?

Lately, some new medicines have been contributing to my lack of appetite, and/or food intolerance. So, in other words, it has been even harder for me to get my nutritional requirements. Lately, I plainly just hate food. Eating has been a job for me for over a year now, but lately it has become a dirty job! Believe me when I say how nothing sounds good! It's quite interesting how you can feel hungry, but be unable to eat. Perplexing...

So, to summarize: I cannot sleep (although I'm very tired), I cannot eat, I am in pain, I am weak, I have an ultra-short attention span, memory loss, cognitive difficulties, disturbing mood & personality changes/swings, my skin has constant burning sensations, I have chills/fever + day/night sweats, extreme photo-sensitivity, etc, etc, etc....

Most of the time, I feel too awake to sleep any more, but much too tired to wake up and do anything. Sometimes, just sitting up in a chair is too hard. Or, even just moving my arms. Usually, my upper body is way weaker than my lower body. And, believe me, this has nothing to do with deconditioning! I don't care what they say, but Lyme disease is so much different than any other conditions. Because of the life-cycle of the borrelia bacteria (the Lyme bacteria), while I'm in the phases where the bacteria is dormant, I will experience periods of almost complete reversal! (It's quite another case when the bacteria is active and multiplying...)

Also, in the last few years I have become ultra-sensitive to pretty much everything; sights, sounds, smells, touch,- you name it! My nervous system seems to be on fire all the time, even though I've been taking medicine to help diminish that very thing. So, basically, live has become quite uncomfortable.

Maybe it's because I've been living with many of these horrible symptoms that
I've suddenly become so defiant about taking healthful/beneficial measures in effort to combat my disease. I guess it sure can be hard to keep up with a program that you feel little or no benefit. For instance, I really cannot tell the difference if I'm taking my supplements or if I am not. Besides, taking all the supplements that are recommended for a Lyme patient, and at the correct times and dosages, can be a full-time job in it of itself. Trust me, it's A LOT of work!

I just know that me and restrictions do not mix well. I have a tendency toward defiance. Even more so if the benefit does not seem to justify the means. Yes, I know that "they" might say that certain things or behaviors will be either beneficial or detrimental to a Lyme patients health, but... do "they" really fully ever understand the physiology that is going on inside their Lyme patients head? Why It can be so difficult, if not impossible for their patients to follow said regimens? Speaking from personal experience, I know. Depending on where you are in the Lyme cycle, that pretty much determines whether or not you have the capacity or the wherewithal to stick with your program.