So, last night I saw my natural doctor. I hadn't seen her for over 2 months, and honestly I was dreading my appointment. Just because for the last few weeks I have really fallen off the wagon and I have basically been in denial, secretly hoping that I'm beyond help and I will just quickly succumb to this disease- that it will all be over soon and there's no use in taking all those supplements or adhering to my ridged diet.
My logical mind says that that type of thinking is immature and weak. My illogical mind disagrees emphatically. The thing is, up until a few weeks ago that illogical mind has been totally taking over so that my logical mind has been diminished to a tiny little whisper.
Anyway, so yesterday, even though I was so dreading my appointment, as soon as I walked into the door, I felt a massive energy shift. A positive, empowering, healing energy shift. What a difference! So, I came clean, worked out a new game plan and left feeling really good. However, almost immediately after getting 'home', all was lost. I say home with quotes because where I am staying is not really my home. It is my mom's and her husband's. Her husband is the problem. Talk about negative energy! Whooo!!! It is very sad, I see him as a very lost soul. It has been impossible to get through to him. I wish I could just help guide him, but his anger has been impenetrable. He is like a really dark black cloud, a force. I just don't have the energy to overcome that negative force every day, especially when I need every bit of energy just to heal! Ugh!
I'm exhausted. Part of me just doesn't care anymore. Wishes that the world will end today. Needs relief of the prison that is my sickened body. Tired of being on the sidelines and watching the rest of the world go by. Reached my limit. Enough. When will this be over?
The other part is still hopeful. I have a chance at beating this. Be strong, you can do this! Channel those energies into meaningful actions, like reaching out and helping someone. It's really worth it to take the extra energy to follow my diet and take all my supplements. I can do it!
So, this mental battle ensues. God give me the strength to overcome! That's all I have to ask right now.
I just have a major problem with people who take their anger and frustration on other people. I take out mine in this blog. My only wish is that others around me gain a little perspective and compassion. Really, we all have our own struggles in life! No one person's struggles are more important than someone else's. But to each of us, the pain of dealing with those struggles are equally painful and trying. The important thing is to recognize that fact and try to epathasize a bit. The world would be a much better place if everyone did that!
The problem is the ego. I consciously live every day keeping my own ego in check. That is how I am capable of having and giving compassion, unconditional love, forgiveness, empathy, and selflessness. I know in my heart that even though I am suffering greatly, there are others that are suffering in their own ways. Knowing this, it just isn't possible for me to project my own anger and frustration over my suffering and helplessness onto others.
I may not have my health at this time, but one thing I do have is perspective. I also understand that before I got ill, my life was out of control and totally heading in the wrong direction. I had no perspective. My priorities were definitely in the wrong areas. Maybe, my illness was needed. Needed for me to gain perspective and to change my priorities. I know that things happen for a reason... that doesn't make dealing with those changes any easier! Especially I must note that I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS SITUATION! Just because maybe it was my soul's path, doesn't mean that my conscious self put me into this horrible situation!
I would give anything, anything to be in a perfectly healthy body right now! I envy, I resent other healthy and able-bodied individuals, to be perfectly honest! My anger comes from people like my step-dad who, in his own ignorance and self-righteousness, doubts that. How can I get him to stop believing that everything I do is to piss him off? Unbelievable! Just get over yourself already! The world DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU! God loves us all equally, we are are inter-connected and equally important!
So, the battle ensues... Wish me luck. I can't let the bad energies get to me. I must overcome and rise above
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