I feel so alone

I feel so empty. So alone. I guess that's not out of the ordinary for someone with a chronic illness. Extreme isolation sort of happens. It's hard to relate to others. It's not like I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself or anything, but... I kind of guess that's what I need right now. I need a bitch session.

Here goes it... For one, my pain and anxiety has reached a new high. Anxiety is a symptom that I haven't had in quite a long time. Oh, what I wouldn't do for some Valium or something!

Another thing... how can you feel so anti-social, but at the same time crave it? Maybe it's that I've lost the ability or confidence to relate to the outside world, but I still feel a huge void, a desire to connect, to be accepted and completely understood.

How is it that I want to talk to someone, but I'm not sure about what I want to talk about? I know in my heart that I need to get something off of my chest, but am not sure about what that may be. Plus, dealing with my lately inability to retrieve the right words just adds to my stress and overall frustration. It's almost impossible for someone that has never personally dealt with chronic Lyme disease & it's co-infections to even try to grasp this hell. I am a prisoner in my own body, in my mind. This is why I pray for death to come soon, since this is HELL. Sometimes, I do not know how I will go on.

Somehow, I seem to persevere. Sometimes, I feel that I'm just prolonging the inevitable, which is a slow, painful, and arduous death. I feel like I am being punished. God, how I would only just like to know my crime! Please understand that I cannot live too much longer like this!

One thing that I am very thankful for is the ability to at least enjoy my music! OMG, for like, over 6 months, even my favorite music sounded like noise to me! Coming from someone who gets through life with music, not being able to do that was unbelievably painful! Music is how I cope. So, my life sucks, but at least I can try to get through it with music.

Lately, I've been healing with tunes from my all-time favorite group, Muse. God, how I am so very grateful for being introduced to them a while back... They seem to have songs for whatever mood I may be in.

I am also feeling sad from my beloved grandpa's passing, and my (also beloved)cousin's Army deployment to Kuwait. I'll admit that I am not someone who knows how to successfully deal with emotions, so... maybe that is why I am so screwed up!

Even before I was sick, I lived a life of profound emptiness and pain. Honestly, I cannot wait till it's over. I'm ashamed to say, but the pleasures in life have not mitigated the pains and sorrows.

Yes, I know that one's happiness is within themselves, but all too often that very concept seems way out of reach. Sometimes, just when you think you have it, it is gone. A delusion in it of itself.

I keep on asking myself what I am doing this for. Yes, maybe it is because I do not want to let my family down. Maybe, in my heart of hearts I really do believe that I deserve a life of contentment and true happiness. Gosh... I wonder what that would be like..

For starters, a life without constant pain would be good. To have my personality and complete neurological function restored would be more than okay. Plainly stated, I would just want to have my life back. I just would like to have some happiness, some pure bliss. Yes, I know that bliss is within myself, but if I could just have my mind back, maybe that goal would be attainable!