Thoughts for today. The brutal, honest truth. My truth

Pain, pain just please go away. I'm so f'n angry and frustrated as hell! I hate being alive right now. I feel there's no way out of this utter misery. I couldn't find any meaningful activity to do today to divert my mind's attention, and that has just put me over the edge. What do you do when you're too fatigued to hold a book? The irony in this situation is that my mind feels more alert and clearer than it has in quite a while. That just pisses me off even more.

My bones and joints have been acting up as well, mostly (and oddly) my left pinkie finger. Weird, right? Well, it's so painful that it kept me from getting to sleep last night. And makes holding a book to read or do crossword puzzles, even without the fatigue, impossible because it's just so damn painful!

My spine hurts. The muscles surrounding it as well. The pain is making me go crazy! I try to cope my constantly adjusting my position, but it seems that when the back feels most comfortable, then my neck is acting up. Fuck! What the hell am I supposed to do?

Plus, every time I move my neck, it cracks (sometimes quite loudly, in fact) and hurts like hell. This loud cracking is paramount to Lyme patients in fact. At least I'm not the only one...

All I want is relief, be it a nerve-block, or death. I don't care. In fact, today I don't seem to care about anything. The one thing I do care about is ending this misery. That's all.

Yes, I definitely have a bad attitude today, an awful attitude. That's what happens when people get pushed and pushed. Pushed to the brink until they snap. Just can't take any more. Believe me, if my fatigue and just complete, profound, utter exhaustion wasn't also keeping me down, I might just take all these thoughts of mine into action. Well, for my loved ones, that's a good thing. I guess. Just because they can't ever completely understand. Not unless they go through this or something just like it themselves.

For all you people out there that love live so much that you want to live forever- you're fucking crazy!... and delusional, if you ask me. And, for those in that camp just because they are afraid to die- well, you need help and guidance. Probably a de-programming from a strict religious upbringing, too.

I know that life isn't meant to be easy for many of us, for before we were born we made that choice ourselves. And, maybe with the guidance from our Creator, as well. We also have free-will here, which can throw a monkey wrench into that equation. In my opinion, throughout the ages man has gotten crazy and out of control. The world has erupted into this brutal survivalism mentality, everyone out for themselves. Greed and evil brutality run amok. This has caused exponential collateral damages. For instance, it is becoming apparent to us that our planet is sick. Most of us are sick, too. In varying degrees. Sickness has almost become commonplace to many of us. That bothers me to the core. This was not supposed to happen!

I have come to know that I chose to come here, to help the people of this precious planet. But how can I help if my vessel (body) in which to navigate here has been maimed? Has been damaged, decimated, to which filling out my core mission has been compromised. Compromised to the point of where I feel lost. Pushed me to the point of giving up.

Ugh. I dunno....