I've got a lot on my mind today, which is sort of unusual. Mostly, I am emotionally drained. Physically as well. I had a busy and very stressful weekend. My sister was in town and we had plans for a send-off party for our cousin who is being deployed overseas. There was lots of alcohol, rich foods, and it was quite emotionally charged.

Even though I took naps and limited my intake of food and alcohol, it was still WAY too much for me! This is why it's just better if I stay home. I wanted to see my family, my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins though. Plus I wanted to show support for my cousin being deployed. Don't get me wrong, there were many unforgettable and fun moments, but there were maybe more moments I would rather forget.

I love my family, but sometimes it is just too much for me to deal with right now. It becomes evident almost immediately that several of them represent the very qualities that are wrong with the majority of people in our society. I know they need my help and guidance, but I'm not sure if I can help them. God, is that frustrating! I've been praying for them and myself, so I can rise above. They need perspective and guidance.

I know my life's purpose is to show others the way. To teach, to lead by example. So, managing that while dealing with a debilitating illness can be more than overwhelming. Like today, I'm just ready to give up. I've had enough. My patience is depleted.

My sister was acting like such a diva the whole time she was here. I hope she gets her shit together soon because I don't think I want to see her again until she does. She needs to grow up and stop being such a pretentious bitch. Well, she certainly has a lot to learn.

I was lucky to have several days with more energy than usual, but in turn, my pain has been off the charts! My spine has hurt so much that I've had tears. Then, that spinal pain causes the surrounding muscles to hurt. I've been miserable. I have been thinking of going back on narcotics to treat my pain. It's a hard decision. I wish I could just get a nerve block or something.

Plus, my thrush is out of control. Spreading down my throat. Feels like a giant mouth sore. Sort of feels like strep throat, but not completely. Ouch. I've been taking my medicine, but apparently I consumed way too much sugar over the weekend. Sugar feeds the yeast problem. Because yeast multiplies so rapidly, it can become systemic easily. Also, when I'm away from home, I get off my routine. I forget about my supplements, like the pro-biotics. They will help. Well, I'm home now and I can get back on my schedule, but it's hard to do that once I get off it. I must get my priorities in order and rely on that inner strength.

I just feel so depleted that it seems that giving up and succumbing to this disease seems like the easier choice. I feel that I'm fighting a losing battle and it's just a waste taking the time and spending my precious energy keeping up with my supplement regimen and preparing nutritious foods.

My sister said such hurtful things that seem to have made a real devastating impact on me. Her holier-than-thou attitude, insensitivity, and total disrespect (all directed towards me) have scarred me. I know that she just directed all the problems in her life towards me. I'm an easy target. The same thing happens with my step-dad.

How can I get others, especially my own family, to understand? To evolve? To raise their consciousness? I want to help, but most seem so unwilling. When will they be ready?

Every day I am overwhelmed with my physical symptoms and I have to internalize most of them, because I do not want to burden my mother, my caretaker. She already has enough to deal with, but she is a great listener. So is my nurse, who comes here weekly. No one else in my life has the time or the interest it seems. I am so thankful to have outlets such as this blog and Lyme Connect. Online sources are definitely better than nothing.

I envy healthy people. People who are able-bodied and able to work. I miss working and having a social life. I miss being able to relate to the world. It really is awful to only being able to relate to other sick people. Limiting. I do not want to become my disease, but it's easy to feel like I've lost myself when my symptoms are so intense that they take over my life.

I used to meditate. But that was before my brain and nervous system became inundated and came under attack by the bacterias. Occasionally, I still try. At least I try some relaxation techniques. Not as effective as they should be. I wish I could just get out of this body. I constantly remind myself that I am not my body and that this body, as defective as it is, is just a vessel. A temporary vessel that I need to navigate while on Earth, in the 3rd dimension, to experience the physical.

I know that I can only permanently leave this body when my mission has been completed. I just feel stuck, since I know what my mission is and there is such resistance from the other people with whom my mission depends. Ugh! Come on people, open up! Lose your egos! Try getting your priorities straight and have some compassion and understanding, for starters.