Wow. Can you believe that I started setting up this blog months ago?! Well, finally after working bit by bit just on the setting up part, I think I'm ready to do my first post. I better hurry up, because who knows? Tomorrow I might not be able to think of the right words to articulate the mess of thoughts circling around my head.
So, it's been 13 1/2 weeks since I've had the PICC line and the intravenous antibiotics. 5 months now for the oral ones. For about 4 days now I can finally say that I'm starting to feel a little better. That's not saying much since I would half to rate my functioning now on a 1-10 scale at about a 3. So, that's improvement from the 1-2 range I had been hovering at for months and months.
In some aspects, I started to see "Me" emerge slowly after starting treatment. Every now and again, little bits of the personality I used to know. This disease has quite a reputation of fully devouring every trace of the person you used to be, the life you had, everything. I've never been someone to fear or loathe change. I welcomed it. Maybe it's the Gemini in me, whatever it is, I welcomed change. That is, when it was on my terms! I was a fickle control freak, I guess. The Universe has its ways of putting us lowly humans back into our place...
Sometimes our life can change so much and so fast that suddenly we don't recognize oneself. What happened? Who is this person I see in the mirror? I now find it slightly humorous that I spent the majority of my adult life so overly focused on outward appearances, striving for my own personal 'perfection' of sorts, to now reflect how my standards are now. Basically, 3 years ago I would have rather had a root canal than go more than 2 or 3 days without a shower, fresh clothes & make-up. Now, I need help bathing. So, that only happens when it becomes absolutely necessary. Just too much work.
In the last year, I have become extremely over-sensitive to most toiletries, cleaning & laundry products, synthetic fabrics, chemicals of any kind. I immediately can get a reaction to even brief exposures. You don't realize how toxic our environments have become till you're sick. Then it's easy to see how years & years of exposure to thousands of chemicals & toxins build up in the body, finally overwhelming the immune system.
I now am fully aware the impact stress has on the body, mind & spirit. Stress comes in so many forms, it's hard to fathom. Environmental stresses, like I mentioned above. Physical stress, or even psychological stress is easier to identify. One obscure form of stress is from the psychic realm. Bad energies. Psychic vampires (energy stealers). Basically, it's a lot to overcome. As it turns out, I've realized that I'm quite a fighter.
I'm still sort of in the grief process. My goal is to fully accept me as I am now, my current situation as it is, and to be completely okay with that. What I still struggle with are these deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy. If I felt inadequate before I got sick, how in the heck can I ever feel adequate with the way things are now? It's a process...
One thing I know for sure... sometimes you need to lose everything to realize that you had everything you needed all along.
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