Ugly Reality

I haven't made any entries for quite a while... things have been difficult. Sometimes I know I have a lot to say, but I can't seem to sort out the mess in my head into understandable words and sentences.

Lately I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get better. This is wearing me down again. I don't know how much strength I have left. What my life has become is not much of a life. I can't do this much longer.

I must confess... secretly, I often wish that my heart (or liver, or whatever vital organ) would just go out suddenly and take me. Peacefully. I've been slowly dying, getting sicker and sicker anyway for the last 8 years. This slow pace has been absolutely excruciating. I can't do it.

I have always been a very positive person, and genuinely believed that I could get through anything. I've had many of these little slumps before over these last several years, but none that have lasted this long. I know just about everyone that has a chronic illness goes through some bouts of depression. Being sick like this is depressing.

I just want to be in a good mood for once in a long time. Is that too much to ask? How about if I could actually enjoy doing the things I supposedly love? I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. I don't want to really talk to anyone either. I just don't know what to say. This is extremely weird for me. Most people know me as the complete polar opposite. Maybe I just have to get over expectations. Ones that I have of myself and ones that I believe others have of me. How can I do that?

I just can't bring myself to accept, to fully accept my current situation as it is. Can't do it. Refuse to do it. I just feel like I could fulfill such a bigger purpose if I was healthy. If my body wasn't broken down by an evil, clever, resilient strain of bacteria that has the power and ability to literately drill into my body. Not just my bloodstream. My brain, spinal cord, bones, muscles, joints, heart, eyes, glands, bladder. These are just the parts that I know for sure about.

Living with constant pain and exhaustion is breaking me down. Then there's that long list of other hellish symptoms I suffer through as well.... It's just crazy. Unbelievably crazy. I just can't put up with it all anymore. I've reached my breaking point. I'm angry. I'm frustrated as hell. But ironically, I'm just way too tired to do anything about it.

Tomorrow's a new day. Hopefully, it will be better. All I can do for now is to envision a brighter and better existence for the future, as well as for now.