Since my break from the antibiotics almost 3 weeks ago, I enjoyed a week or so feeling the best I've felt in many months (that's not saying much though)... then, I started my round of homeopathic remedies as a substitute during this break. The remedies are a mixture of the borrellia, babesia, and ehrlichia bacterias- in specific vials to be taken in a specific order and on specific days. The point is to energize my body's natural defenses toward the very invaders that have made my life a living hell for the last several years. The goal is to re-energize my tired immune system and re-direct it to fighting the right "invaders." During the last few months, I have developed sings of an auto-immune response. That is, my body has been putting all its energy into fighting the wrong things, like my own tissues, instead of fighting the infections.
It's been a week since I started the vials. They are a 2 month-long course. Supposedly, the "new kind of miserable" I've been feeling is to be expected. That doesn't make living through it any easier. Plus, there's really no way of knowing how long the miserable-ness will last. I just have to try to focus on the good things, like that obviously, they are doing something. Something is causing all these horrendous symptoms.
If I thought I was exhausted before, this exhaustion is worse. I feel like I have the flu. Fever, chills, sore throat, severe pain everywhere- worst in my spine, neck, and surrounding muscles. Plus, I just can't sleep. Even with the help of ambien and muscle relaxers. Yes, those things help, but it doesn't seem like there's much out there to really give me relief from these symptoms.
So, I'd like to find activities for me to do to get my mind off the pain, but the thing is that I'm so exhausted- too exhausted to really have the energy to do much of anything. Plus, my mind has been hijacked by my "Lyme Alter-Ego" again. That means that I have lost interest in everything. Everything. Things I normally enjoy and hold dear. It took me hours pushing myself, finding the willpower just to get on the computer and type this. I knew this was one activity that I could do today that could bring me some comfort. Some release.
My excruciating physical symptoms tend to manifest into emotional pain, making matters worse. Depression, even if it's just a short-term, situational version, it's still depression. So, I've been feeling a little hopeless. Like maybe I'm fighting a losing battle. Ready to give up. To surrender. I'm just so tired of all this. How much more can I take? I'm not seeing any light out of this hole of despair I'm in.
This is not like me. I've always been such a positive person. But, like I said earlier, my mind has been hijacked. The bacteria is like a cancer- devouring healthy, normal cells and replacing them with bad, malfunctioning cells. I can tell which parts of my body have been the worst-affected areas, based on the types of symptoms I have.
I'm so miserable that I've been having a really tough time not being angry. I want to just hate anyone that isn't feeling the same kind of pain that I've been in. Maybe it's more like resentment. I resent those people who are happy and healthy. Makes me sick. Not many people can really understand what I'm going through. And, it's hard for me to totally explain. Explain the gravity of it all.
Right now, I'm just wishing for comfort. An end. Relief. If that means death, that's totally okay. If that means a spontaneous return to health, that's okay too. I'm open for whatever means of relief. Lasting relief.
I'm feeling like living here on Earth, in this physical form, is just not what I expected. It's torture. Living hell. I think I'd much rather be in spirit form. The so-called "pleasures" of being in physical form don't even come close to cancelling out the hellish aspects. This just isn't for me. Unlike most people, I am not afraid to die. I'm actually looking forward to it!
So, on that note I think I'll close... Please pray for me and everyone else out there that is suffering. Grant us mercy, for God's sake!
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