Since I've started the homeopathic treatment for lyme & stuff, it seems each day brings a different experience. A new, different sort of miserable. That sore throat has morphed into total flu-like symptoms. It totally reminds me of how I felt shortly after receiving one of my tick bites 4 years ago.
In addition to the fever, chills, pain, exhaustion, etc., I feel kind of just f'ed up. In a daze. Like I'm stoned out of my mind. Lol. But, really I'm not too amused. I tried to sleep as much as I could, but after I layed in bed for over an hour, still awake I decided to just get up. Then, after making some tea, I literally stared into space for over 2 hours. All the while thinking of things I might want to do or should do. Nothing. After attempting to read a book I've been working on ("Fractal Time" by Gregg Braden), some cross-word puzzles, solitaire... I then grabbed my iPod. Thankfully, I did find the perfect music to continue to zone out to (Deadmau5, which is some trance music) which has been awesome. Anyway, I got my computer out... After realizing that I really didn't feel like doing anything other than sulk and put my anti-social, morbid, crazy thoughts into words.
Anyway, I'm just kind of sulking. I feel like I black cloud. I don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to expose anyone. Plus, I haven't had many days I can remember where I actually had any conversational skills whatsoever. Totally unlike me. Totally. Well, the healthier me anyway. When I feel like this, I just don't care. Whatever...
Gosh, I need to shower... I feel more tired just thinking about all the work entailed into completing that (what should be, such a normal, everyday) task. Well, nothing is everyday or normal when you've had lyme for as long as I have had it. Maybe I should just try washing my face or brushing my teeth... Huh. Right now I don't think I care. It's not like I want my appearance to go to hell or anything. I just hope that I'll get a free pass or something, that beacause I've got so much I've had to deal with, that I'll be granted some mercy in that area. At least!
I'm pretty angry at my Creator. I hate this body, I hate this world, and I just hate this damn whole life! I can't think of anything I'd really want to do other than permenantly escape. Escape it all! The giant comet scenario talked about in that book seems so appealing. Maybe it seems more in reach compared to the other one. Who wouldn't want to live in a world that was simple, yet abundant? Without sickness or disease? Without poverty, slavery, or violence? F***!! Sign me up! But, like I said, that scenario just seems way out of reach.
So, I've been really focusing on my nutrition for a while now, not just supplements. This means a lot more work. More frequent shopping, plus preparation, cooking, cleaning up... A lot of work! There's no way I could so it without help. Even though I feel better putting nutritious foods into my body, that doesn't make it any easier for me or make me want to keep doing it. Every day, every meal, I have to push myself. I mean push myself, like, harder than I used to have to when I was training for a physical fitness goal. Even though, the raw veggies & the smoothies I've been making just taste better than opening a can, or re-heating a frozen meal. With my ever-changing taste buds, this could change. I certainly hope not.
Sometimes, it just makes me angry thinking about all the positive things I've been doing and how I see no reward. Like, shouldn't I be feeling so much better by now? I get thoughts, fantazations about my old 2-3 a day cigarette and 1-2 can mountain Dew habit. I just remember that when I did that stuff, I sure as hell felt better than I do now!
When I found out what was wrong with me, when I started learning about it, I had no problems making changes. I learned how bad habits like smoking, drinking (soda, coffee, or alcohol), poor nutrition, stress, and lack of sleep can have detrimental effects towards healing from lyme and other tick-borne diseases. So, am I missing something? I intuitively felt like my body needed a break from all the antibiotics, that's why I suggested to my dr's that I take a break. Maybe that isn't it. Huh?. Well, I still have my IV access in my arm, so soon I'll be back on my old regimen. Probably in another month. Maybe 2. Let's just hope that while I might feel sicker and sicker every day, I'll have the strength, energy, and willpower necessary to assist my body in resting and detoxing. So, hopefully I'll be able to tolerate the next phase of medicines until I'm healthy and I won't need them. That's my plan anyway. Or, one of my plans. The other one is if the lyme doesn't get me first, like my cardiac issues worsening to a point of my heart just stopping. As long as it's quick and relatively painless, I'm down with that!
I can't remember how many times I've seriously thought about speeding up the process by suicide. I've spent hours thinking of how I could do it, what would be the best way, etc. What makes me stop is thinking that maybe that would be such a selfish act, like the potential guilt and sadness my family might have. Also, what about my beloved Maddy? He might just end up dying with a broken heart, since we are so closely linked. I would never want to affect my family, the ones I love, with horrible emotions like that. That is why I could never go through with it. Why those thoughts just stay as thoughts.
Still, sometimes I just want to be selfish. I'm the one that has been living this hellish experience out. Only I know exactly how it feels. The pain that brings me tears, the un-ending exhaustion, feeling like my mind & personality have been hijacked, the depression, plus a list of other symptoms so long it would take me all night to type out. The symptoms I've been living with have gotten to the point in numbers and intensity that they literally have taken over my whole life. No matter what do, how hard I try, I just can't seem to push them out of my focus. Maybe that's why I can't seem to enjoy much of anything anymore. Like read a book, hold a decent conversation, etc.
I don't want to be a complainer, or only talk about the awful things going on with me. So, I just don't talk to many people. Stay at home. When I feel the worst, I try to internalize it, or be healthier by blogging. Sometimes, I just have to talk (or type) about whatever is going on. That does really seem to bring some relief. Okay, that's enough for now....
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