Something positive

So, it's been something like 6 weeks now off the antibiotics. Yesterday I started my 2nd remission period since my drug holiday. Finally a break from all the hell! I'm so happy! Last time I felt pretty good for a little over a week and I hope this time will be similar. Oh, how I wish it could last a little longer... or just last forever... (a girl can dream)

One thing about not being on the meds is that I can have these remission periods. Usually, the longer they last is an indication to my progress in fighting this disease. So, it appears that I'm making pretty good progress, since prior to starting the antibiotics I didn't really have any remission periods. Yeah, 3 or 4 weeks from now I'll probably be feeling pretty awful, but that's how it goes. On the meds, I just felt more level. No extreme highs or lows. Sometimes it can be worth it to have those really great days though.

Also, I still have a pretty bad candida (yeast) problem. It's mostly in my mouth and throat (Thrush). My mouth and throat hurt and it feels like I've got a million canker sores. I've been taking Diflucan every day for a month and still... Yes, I should have been better at avoiding sugars of all kinds, since yeast feeds off sugar. But, the ironic thing is that when you have a yeast problem, you just crave sugar like you wouldn't believe! Plus, how do you pass off jelly beans or chocolate bunnies?

Once I get this yeast problem under control, I should start feeling so much better. Yes! I guess I didn't realize how bad it was. So, a lot of this extreme fatigue/exhaustion, weakness, skin problems & irritation,... has been from this systemic yeast problem I've had. So that means that I'm making better progress at killing the lyme bacterias (and those co-infections) than I thought.

I'm still taking the homeopathic vials. My nurse says that it sounds like they are really working. That's awesome news! I hate them, but if they're helping me, then I'll stick with them. I think I'm getting used to them since my herx reactions are getting lesser and lesser.

It was only 5 days ago that I felt so unbelievable awful that I called my dr and asked if I could go back on the antibiotics. Wow, what a difference a few days makes! I guess when I called, I was at my breaking point after 3 weeks of hell. My dr wants me to finish my vials and get yeast problem under control first before restarting my drug regimen. Sounds reasonable. So, probably around mid-June I'll be restarting.

In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to avoid sugar, eat nutritiously, take lots of pro-biotics, sleep lots, and try to stay focused and positive.

In the zone... literally.

Wow. Doing this homeopathic set is hard. I SO want to give it up, but something in me keeps taking those vials. It seems now, that about 24 hours or so after I take a vial (that's every 3 days) I'm feeling the worst. The worst seems to last about 2 days. I start to feel a little better soon before the next vial is due. Each vial seems to bring on a progression of both different and repeating symptoms, worsening in severity. My experience is proof that something is happening within my body. For instance, the fever shows proper immune system response. The lessening of symptoms prior to when the next vial is due seems to show to me again, proper immune system response.

Now, I must say, I have not gone to medical school. I do not have any medical credentials. But, as an individual who has struggled for information, for truth, for answers (good answers) about her progressive worsening and debilitating health, I have searched high and low. Sifted through all kinds of information. The credible. The bogus. Everything. I have developed a sort of sixth-sense, an eye for picking out the worthwhile stuff now. I am not invested in any theories or treatment, I have a very open mind. Therefore, I believe I am a good source on this topic. Trying to get insight on my deteriorating health, I spent many insomniac moments learning about the body. It's systems. Basically how things work. I feel I have a good understanding of what is going on inside and what Lyme and its co-infections are doing. The havoc they are wreaking.

Anyway, today started with profound weakness and pain with any sort of movement. I would've just stayed in bed, but I just couldn't sleep anymore. And, laying in bed, I felt awake. So, I got up. Dizziness, unsteadiness, loss of coordination... I was so hot sleeping last night, stripping down to just underwear, but not long after waking up I started the chill that just won't go away. It's been hours. Heating pad, layers of clothing, many mugs of hot tea... and still I'm struggling for some comfort.

I did that zone-out thing, the sitting and just staring into space thing (again)for almost 3 hours before I got up the strength and energy to get my computer out. Yes, my hands hurt typing, but my mind is temporarily occupied. Earlier, I tried reading a bit. I was getting too drowsy. I picked up several books up from the library yesterday. I read a lot before bed last night. Like all my trips to the library, I get a variety of books for whatever mood I might be in. I got a really good one, a bible for Lyme. It's called "Healing Lyme" by Stephen Harrod Buhner. Natural healing and prevention of Lyme and it's co-infections. I'm gonna want to buy this one!

Okay, I'm finally starting to feel warm. Thank you! Now, all I ask is for some energy and strength. Please! At least my neck and back pain aren't that bad today. I would have to give it a 5, maybe 6 on the 0-10 pain scale. But, I have an emergence of a symptom I haven't had in quite a while, vision problems. Double vision. It's dizzy-ing, hard to read, hard to type. I've been getting by with closing one eye, and rotating the eye I close. Uncomfortable, not fun, but I'm trying to cope anyway. Pressing on...

My senses are telling me that at this moment, I've got a major invasion of bacterias in certain areas of my brain. Sometimes, my speech is affected. My personality, memory, balance, sleep-wake cycle, concentration, focus, moods, etc., included. Such a complex myriad of overlapping symptoms. No wonder so many doctors are perplexed and overwhelmed!

I'm just hoping that, in a month and a half, maybe two, when I start my IV antibiotics back up I'll be stronger and healthier. Immune system invigorated. Ready to take on those stealthy spirochetes. Ready to get them out of their hiding places, kill them, and get them out of my body for good!

I've been learning more and more about attaining, and keeping a healthy immune system for life. Our world has just a slew of invaders out there, waiting to strike us when we're vulnerable. I never want to get that vulnerable again! So, I guess I have made my choice. Chosen to not fight nature, but instead to just what my body was built for, to just allow my body to keep a healthy balance of everything. To happily co-exist in nature. :)

A different kind of miserable- continued...

Since I've started the homeopathic treatment for lyme & stuff, it seems each day brings a different experience. A new, different sort of miserable. That sore throat has morphed into total flu-like symptoms. It totally reminds me of how I felt shortly after receiving one of my tick bites 4 years ago.

In addition to the fever, chills, pain, exhaustion, etc., I feel kind of just f'ed up. In a daze. Like I'm stoned out of my mind. Lol. But, really I'm not too amused. I tried to sleep as much as I could, but after I layed in bed for over an hour, still awake I decided to just get up. Then, after making some tea, I literally stared into space for over 2 hours. All the while thinking of things I might want to do or should do. Nothing. After attempting to read a book I've been working on ("Fractal Time" by Gregg Braden), some cross-word puzzles, solitaire... I then grabbed my iPod. Thankfully, I did find the perfect music to continue to zone out to (Deadmau5, which is some trance music) which has been awesome. Anyway, I got my computer out... After realizing that I really didn't feel like doing anything other than sulk and put my anti-social, morbid, crazy thoughts into words.

Anyway, I'm just kind of sulking. I feel like I black cloud. I don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to expose anyone. Plus, I haven't had many days I can remember where I actually had any conversational skills whatsoever. Totally unlike me. Totally. Well, the healthier me anyway. When I feel like this, I just don't care. Whatever...

Gosh, I need to shower... I feel more tired just thinking about all the work entailed into completing that (what should be, such a normal, everyday) task. Well, nothing is everyday or normal when you've had lyme for as long as I have had it. Maybe I should just try washing my face or brushing my teeth... Huh. Right now I don't think I care. It's not like I want my appearance to go to hell or anything. I just hope that I'll get a free pass or something, that beacause I've got so much I've had to deal with, that I'll be granted some mercy in that area. At least!

I'm pretty angry at my Creator. I hate this body, I hate this world, and I just hate this damn whole life! I can't think of anything I'd really want to do other than permenantly escape. Escape it all! The giant comet scenario talked about in that book seems so appealing. Maybe it seems more in reach compared to the other one. Who wouldn't want to live in a world that was simple, yet abundant? Without sickness or disease? Without poverty, slavery, or violence? F***!! Sign me up! But, like I said, that scenario just seems way out of reach.

So, I've been really focusing on my nutrition for a while now, not just supplements. This means a lot more work. More frequent shopping, plus preparation, cooking, cleaning up... A lot of work! There's no way I could so it without help. Even though I feel better putting nutritious foods into my body, that doesn't make it any easier for me or make me want to keep doing it. Every day, every meal, I have to push myself. I mean push myself, like, harder than I used to have to when I was training for a physical fitness goal. Even though, the raw veggies & the smoothies I've been making just taste better than opening a can, or re-heating a frozen meal. With my ever-changing taste buds, this could change. I certainly hope not.

Sometimes, it just makes me angry thinking about all the positive things I've been doing and how I see no reward. Like, shouldn't I be feeling so much better by now? I get thoughts, fantazations about my old 2-3 a day cigarette and 1-2 can mountain Dew habit. I just remember that when I did that stuff, I sure as hell felt better than I do now!

When I found out what was wrong with me, when I started learning about it, I had no problems making changes. I learned how bad habits like smoking, drinking (soda, coffee, or alcohol), poor nutrition, stress, and lack of sleep can have detrimental effects towards healing from lyme and other tick-borne diseases. So, am I missing something? I intuitively felt like my body needed a break from all the antibiotics, that's why I suggested to my dr's that I take a break. Maybe that isn't it. Huh?. Well, I still have my IV access in my arm, so soon I'll be back on my old regimen. Probably in another month. Maybe 2. Let's just hope that while I might feel sicker and sicker every day, I'll have the strength, energy, and willpower necessary to assist my body in resting and detoxing. So, hopefully I'll be able to tolerate the next phase of medicines until I'm healthy and I won't need them. That's my plan anyway. Or, one of my plans. The other one is if the lyme doesn't get me first, like my cardiac issues worsening to a point of my heart just stopping. As long as it's quick and relatively painless, I'm down with that!

I can't remember how many times I've seriously thought about speeding up the process by suicide. I've spent hours thinking of how I could do it, what would be the best way, etc. What makes me stop is thinking that maybe that would be such a selfish act, like the potential guilt and sadness my family might have. Also, what about my beloved Maddy? He might just end up dying with a broken heart, since we are so closely linked. I would never want to affect my family, the ones I love, with horrible emotions like that. That is why I could never go through with it. Why those thoughts just stay as thoughts.

Still, sometimes I just want to be selfish. I'm the one that has been living this hellish experience out. Only I know exactly how it feels. The pain that brings me tears, the un-ending exhaustion, feeling like my mind & personality have been hijacked, the depression, plus a list of other symptoms so long it would take me all night to type out. The symptoms I've been living with have gotten to the point in numbers and intensity that they literally have taken over my whole life. No matter what do, how hard I try, I just can't seem to push them out of my focus. Maybe that's why I can't seem to enjoy much of anything anymore. Like read a book, hold a decent conversation, etc.

I don't want to be a complainer, or only talk about the awful things going on with me. So, I just don't talk to many people. Stay at home. When I feel the worst, I try to internalize it, or be healthier by blogging. Sometimes, I just have to talk (or type) about whatever is going on. That does really seem to bring some relief. Okay, that's enough for now....

A different kind of miserable

Since my break from the antibiotics almost 3 weeks ago, I enjoyed a week or so feeling the best I've felt in many months (that's not saying much though)... then, I started my round of homeopathic remedies as a substitute during this break. The remedies are a mixture of the borrellia, babesia, and ehrlichia bacterias- in specific vials to be taken in a specific order and on specific days. The point is to energize my body's natural defenses toward the very invaders that have made my life a living hell for the last several years. The goal is to re-energize my tired immune system and re-direct it to fighting the right "invaders." During the last few months, I have developed sings of an auto-immune response. That is, my body has been putting all its energy into fighting the wrong things, like my own tissues, instead of fighting the infections.

It's been a week since I started the vials. They are a 2 month-long course. Supposedly, the "new kind of miserable" I've been feeling is to be expected. That doesn't make living through it any easier. Plus, there's really no way of knowing how long the miserable-ness will last. I just have to try to focus on the good things, like that obviously, they are doing something. Something is causing all these horrendous symptoms.

If I thought I was exhausted before, this exhaustion is worse. I feel like I have the flu. Fever, chills, sore throat, severe pain everywhere- worst in my spine, neck, and surrounding muscles. Plus, I just can't sleep. Even with the help of ambien and muscle relaxers. Yes, those things help, but it doesn't seem like there's much out there to really give me relief from these symptoms.

So, I'd like to find activities for me to do to get my mind off the pain, but the thing is that I'm so exhausted- too exhausted to really have the energy to do much of anything. Plus, my mind has been hijacked by my "Lyme Alter-Ego" again. That means that I have lost interest in everything. Everything. Things I normally enjoy and hold dear. It took me hours pushing myself, finding the willpower just to get on the computer and type this. I knew this was one activity that I could do today that could bring me some comfort. Some release.

My excruciating physical symptoms tend to manifest into emotional pain, making matters worse. Depression, even if it's just a short-term, situational version, it's still depression. So, I've been feeling a little hopeless. Like maybe I'm fighting a losing battle. Ready to give up. To surrender. I'm just so tired of all this. How much more can I take? I'm not seeing any light out of this hole of despair I'm in.

This is not like me. I've always been such a positive person. But, like I said earlier, my mind has been hijacked. The bacteria is like a cancer- devouring healthy, normal cells and replacing them with bad, malfunctioning cells. I can tell which parts of my body have been the worst-affected areas, based on the types of symptoms I have.

I'm so miserable that I've been having a really tough time not being angry. I want to just hate anyone that isn't feeling the same kind of pain that I've been in. Maybe it's more like resentment. I resent those people who are happy and healthy. Makes me sick. Not many people can really understand what I'm going through. And, it's hard for me to totally explain. Explain the gravity of it all.

Right now, I'm just wishing for comfort. An end. Relief. If that means death, that's totally okay. If that means a spontaneous return to health, that's okay too. I'm open for whatever means of relief. Lasting relief.

I'm feeling like living here on Earth, in this physical form, is just not what I expected. It's torture. Living hell. I think I'd much rather be in spirit form. The so-called "pleasures" of being in physical form don't even come close to cancelling out the hellish aspects. This just isn't for me. Unlike most people, I am not afraid to die. I'm actually looking forward to it!

So, on that note I think I'll close... Please pray for me and everyone else out there that is suffering. Grant us mercy, for God's sake!