I AM HURTING, and, NO, I AM NOT COPING, and yes, I AM DESPERATE!!! I am in PAIN, both physical and psychological. I am weak, fatigued, and just burned-out. No, life is not good. Life has never been good. I hate this shell-of-a-body! I just want to get out of it! To be free...
When can this be over? When? Please, I've just had enough! I am sick of living in a world without love. A world without compassion, caring, and understanding. This is hell to live in a world with raging egos! A world with judgements, misunderstandings, personal agendas, and manipulations. I'm so sad... I've had enough.
That pretty much sums it up for today. So I, tearfully, will sign off...
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
I am in hell
I say this in the most frank way possible... I am in HELL!... I am in PAIN! I didn't get much sleep because I just couldn't get comfortable, so I am also tired. What a great combo! Anyway, I am anxiously awaiting my appointment at the pain clinic on Tuesday.
This is an all-encompassing, nauseating, anger-inducing pain that lately seems to be getting worse and worse, plus it has taken over my life! I can't seem to find any meaningful activity for me to do, since each one seems to eventually worsen the pain, whether it's my back, neck, hands/fingers, head, hips, knees, belly, whatever... Plus, again, I can't sleep either!
This is why I have become so angry! I feel that it is totally justified, by the way. I just want it all to go away... all this suffering and miserable-ness. I'm feeling hopeless again. Like, how much longer can I put up with this? When will it end? Assisted suicide seems like a really awesome thing at this point. However, I just heard that Dr. Kevorkian has died. Unless he has some other doctors that were working with him here in the U.S., I may be forced to travel to Switzerland. They are compassionate toward ending suffering of those with debilitating, chronic, and degenerative diseases in that country, unlike my own country. Good luck though!... Like I've got several thousands of dollars laying around that I could make that trip!
Plus, this never-ending humidity is killing me! Of course, in this time of my life, I am unbelievably sensitive to weather, especially humidity. It's just adding to my pain and suffering. But, where else am I going to live? I'm sort of dependant now...
I also get really, really angry about the cost of recovering from chronic Lyme. One thing, I am super lucky that I have a mom that is willing (doesn't mean she likes it) to spend the huge amounts of money for my supplements, all very necessary, to help get me to a (hopefully) full recovery. I can't ever forget that. But I do feel so damn guilty! It's just not fair! She shouldn't have to do all this! It's just not right...
Dr. Burrasanco, Jr. is one of the doctors out there (a Lyme-literate MD - LLMD) that has been treating patients with Lyme and other tick-borne illnesses for longer than probably any other doctor. He is the sort of go-to guy regarding this subject, providing insight and information to other doctors around the country. Anyway, his paper "Managing Lyme Disease", 16th edition, October 2008 goes way in-depth about testing, the antibiotic options, the various co-infections, the needed supplements and therapies, etc.- he covers it all. It's 37 pages of extremely interesting and useful information.
For instance, many of the supplements he recommends or says is 'required', I am already taking. But some of the ones I'm not taking sound like they would really benefit me, problem is they cost more than the ones I'm already taking! Ugh! What do I do? It's already costing around $500 a month. The additional ones would tack on to that another $300+
YIKES!!!
What is the cost of improving suffering, managing symptoms, improving quality of life, speeding up healing process, restoring function, and reversing bodily damage from: the illness, medications, environment, bio-toxins/man-made toxins, and allergens?
It's just not right...
This is an all-encompassing, nauseating, anger-inducing pain that lately seems to be getting worse and worse, plus it has taken over my life! I can't seem to find any meaningful activity for me to do, since each one seems to eventually worsen the pain, whether it's my back, neck, hands/fingers, head, hips, knees, belly, whatever... Plus, again, I can't sleep either!
This is why I have become so angry! I feel that it is totally justified, by the way. I just want it all to go away... all this suffering and miserable-ness. I'm feeling hopeless again. Like, how much longer can I put up with this? When will it end? Assisted suicide seems like a really awesome thing at this point. However, I just heard that Dr. Kevorkian has died. Unless he has some other doctors that were working with him here in the U.S., I may be forced to travel to Switzerland. They are compassionate toward ending suffering of those with debilitating, chronic, and degenerative diseases in that country, unlike my own country. Good luck though!... Like I've got several thousands of dollars laying around that I could make that trip!
Plus, this never-ending humidity is killing me! Of course, in this time of my life, I am unbelievably sensitive to weather, especially humidity. It's just adding to my pain and suffering. But, where else am I going to live? I'm sort of dependant now...
I also get really, really angry about the cost of recovering from chronic Lyme. One thing, I am super lucky that I have a mom that is willing (doesn't mean she likes it) to spend the huge amounts of money for my supplements, all very necessary, to help get me to a (hopefully) full recovery. I can't ever forget that. But I do feel so damn guilty! It's just not fair! She shouldn't have to do all this! It's just not right...
Dr. Burrasanco, Jr. is one of the doctors out there (a Lyme-literate MD - LLMD) that has been treating patients with Lyme and other tick-borne illnesses for longer than probably any other doctor. He is the sort of go-to guy regarding this subject, providing insight and information to other doctors around the country. Anyway, his paper "Managing Lyme Disease", 16th edition, October 2008 goes way in-depth about testing, the antibiotic options, the various co-infections, the needed supplements and therapies, etc.- he covers it all. It's 37 pages of extremely interesting and useful information.
For instance, many of the supplements he recommends or says is 'required', I am already taking. But some of the ones I'm not taking sound like they would really benefit me, problem is they cost more than the ones I'm already taking! Ugh! What do I do? It's already costing around $500 a month. The additional ones would tack on to that another $300+
YIKES!!!
What is the cost of improving suffering, managing symptoms, improving quality of life, speeding up healing process, restoring function, and reversing bodily damage from: the illness, medications, environment, bio-toxins/man-made toxins, and allergens?
It's just not right...
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